Can you feel it?

Have you ever felt that moment when a relationship has changed?  That one event, email or phone call that flipped a switch somewhere in how you approach the other person?  Could you pinpoint exactly when it happened?

Right now, I can.

I could tell you down to the very text message when a friendship recently changed.  When everything was fun and interesting then suddenly took a spiraling turn to awkward and empty. 

Do you acknowledge it?  Do you let things carry on naturally?  Do you try to rewind and repair the damage?

Let me put this more clearly.  I recently started talking to an acquaintance more often and we were trying to do the whole "let's know each other more" thing.  It was all going well until he asked a question of me that I knew he wouldn't want the honest answer for.  But I gave the honest answer.  We're 'friends' in the most basic sense, anything more would not be possible.  But he already knew that.  And that's when the switch got flipped.  What was up, now was going down.  What was casual, now became oddly serious.  The conversation came to an unusually abrupt end.  I could feel the switch.  I knew things were different.  I didn't say it, but I knew it was there.  Trying to save face, I emailed him saying that it was nice to talk and I would speak to him again in the future.  The response I got was brief and cold.  Nowhere close to the warm and engaging responses from earlier.  Did I say something wrong?  We agreed to the truth and the truth is what I always gave.  I emailed back apologizing if something I said came across poorly.  Sending emails or texts always leaves the connotation of a statement up for interpretation.  Another cold and almost insulting response came to my inbox.  I don't want to pour salt on the wound but leaving it so awkwardly makes me feel uncomfortable.

What do you do when it's suddenly different?

Have Car, Will Travel

Warning:  This post is not nice.  I say fuck a lot.  Just an FYI.

I moved a year ago.  I moved about 150 miles from my family and friends.  But from September of last year to this past May, I was still "near" my family 5 days a week due to finishing school in my old city.  I know that's a crazy thing to do, but I couldn't afford to pay rent in 2 places AND drive back and forth to see my BF AND finish school in 2 semesters.  So instead, I moved with my BF and drove up to school on Monday mornings (at the ass crack of dawn) and drove home Friday afternoons when I was finished with school.  It was a lot of driving and even though I technically moved and all my stuff was in the new city.... I still felt like I hadn't really left yet.

All that changed when May rolled around.  Once I graduated, I obviously spent a lot less time in my old city.  I was up there a few times for birthdays or things I volunteered to help my alma mater with, so maybe 4-5 times a month.  Still kind of a lot for someone who just moved far, far away.  I still got to see my super awesome friends and my family pretty regularly and I think they all go used to it.  It was fine with me because I really don't have any friends in my new city anyway.

Fast forward to now.  I don't drive the 3+ hours up to my old city that often.  Between July and today I think maybe I've been up 4-5 times total.  Usually at least for an overnight visit.  Here's the thing that is now currently pissing me off more than anything other thing (besides finding a "big kid" job).....

All the mother fucking, cock sucking, whiny ass little BITCHES who ask me almost on a daily fucking basis when I'm coming to visit.  HERE'S A FUCKING CLUE - YOU can drive YOUR happy ass in YOUR own fucking car and waste YOUR own goddamn gas to come fucking see ME.  The highway has a northbound and southbound side.  I know, I've driven both sides many, many, MANY times and I could probably do it passed out in the trunk.  Seeing as how I currently only have a measly part time job, I cannot afford to come and see you fuckers every other week because you miss me.  We have a spare bedroom, we keep food in the house, we have extra parking..... you don't even have to rent a hotel... or feed yourself for that matter. Out of all these whiners, my family has only visited a handful of times and 1 friend stopped by on her way to and from visiting some of her family.  1 friend.  What's everyone else's excuse?  "Well, if you come up here you can see lots of people... if I come down there it's only you."  FUCK THAT!  So... I'm important enough to bitch and whine to about not seeing, but I'm not important enough for you to not be a lazy ass and drive down a weekend.  Leave Friday night and go home Sunday afternoon.  You won't miss work and neither will I.  I need as much of my paycheck as I can finagle thank you very much.  Now I can excuse the few of my friends who very much want to come visit me but cannot afford the gas money to get to the grocery store, let alone drive 100+ miles to get here.  I understand that.  I can leave them out of my rant for now.  But everyone else.  I'm giving you two big ol' middle fingers. You. Can. Suck. It.

Mother May I?

So, yesterday I hung out with a super good friend and her 6 yr old whom I adore to pieces.  And it hit me.... the mommy mode.

I'm at the age I think where a girl generally starts to consider whether or not it's time for a kid.  Now, I would in no way be financially ready for a kid right now  (*cue the hyperventilating on costs*) but I think that in other ways I'm all for it.  I worked my way up the life ladder.... I kept a plant alive, I kept 2 cats alive for the last 5 years, I got a dog....then another dog who are both healthy and happy... so I think that I can successfully not endanger a child's life, right?  People let me babysit and there's no trauma involved.  Not saying that raising a puppy is the same as raising a child but there's similar principles right?  I've been around enough kids through friends and family and helping in day cares to know that there's potty training, feeding, discipline, sleep, etc... which is pretty darn close to getting a puppy not to drive you completely mental.  I love kids... I can hang with them, read them stories, play make-believe, not freak out when they break stuff or get me dirty... and they tend to like me a good amount too. 

Spending time with B yesterday and hearing "Auntie Squid" (it's what she calls me lol) about a million times and asking me for things and wanting to hold my hand or have me carry her or play dress up with my high heels and overall being just an awesome kid (kudos to my pal M for raising said awesome kid) made me happy and really kind of want that.  I know that there's so much work and patience that goes along with raising a child... I've been made more than aware of that over the years... but I'm not getting any younger.  I don't want to first become a mommie when I'm 30.  I just don't.

I don't know, maybe I'm destined to another 5-10 yrs of just being "Mommie" to 4-legged creatures....

Getting Back to Me

It's been awhile...

I'd like to say I've been off doing something totally fun and spontaneous but, sadly, that's not even close to the truth.

I've been... well, a little down on myself.  Graduating school was super exciting when it happened, but hasn't had many high points since then.  Jobs are hard to find and as many resumes as I have out there, rejection comes faster than I can send more.  A person can only hear "no thanks" so many times before they can't do anything but take it personally.  I know that not many places are hiring, I know that if they are, I don't have the "requested experience", I know that I'm not the only one dealing with it.... but I feel like there's nothing I can do.  And I hate being out of control.

All of that rejection from the corporate world has led me to nabbing a part-time job in order to pay the bills.  Unemployment around here has been dealt a crappy hand and those of us still trying to find our way got cut off.  Not saying that there aren't people taking advantage of the system, because there are.  However, there are those of us who are actually trying to get work and can't.  The bank account is getting very empty and my pride has a few wounds.

Not working and getting rejected made me a pretty lazy person.  When there's nothing that is forcing me to get out of the house, I just sit around in sweats watching movies or tv or sitting online looking at shit I really don't care about because there's nothing else to do.  I feel like a shell of me.  On top of that, I don't really know anyone in the city I live in since I just moved here a year ago and it makes me super sad that none of my friends are around.  When I get to see them I never want to leave.  Was I stupid to move?  Will I make new friends?  I don't want new friends, I want MY friends.  It's unfair, but I want them all to move down here so I can keep them!  That's just the stupidest thought, but it would make me feel so much better.

But, now that I'm working (even though it's only part-time) I feel a little more productive.  I feel like I have some sort of a reason to even bother showering.  I hope I can turn this around and make the best of it.  I don't really have much other option.

What Can I Do?

I can't ...
be responsible for anyone's actions but my own.
hold your hand through life to make you feel better.
tolerate weak people.
always be a grown-up.
be everything that you want me to be.
hide the obvious.
be anything I'm not.
live your life for you.
fix everyone's problems.
allow myself to be vulnerable.
accept failure.
promise that everything will be okay.



I can...
be the best that I can be.
make a friend laugh when needed most.
talk my way out of just about anything.
hold on to the tiniest memories.
be strong.
take one for the team.
pretend that I'm okay when I'm crumbling inside.
live every day like it's my last.
be incredibly silly.
take care of the ones I love.
create my own success.
love harder.

What can you do?

There's really 2 of me

I've come to the startling realization that I am 2 people.  There's Everyday and there's Professional. 

Professional,  I'll admit, is a little uptight and pretty boring.  She asks the right questions at the right times and has the right answers.  She knows how to get things accomplish, act like she has a freakin' clue what she's talking about and looks damn good doing it.  She's the one that desperately wants to fit in and be respected. 

Everyday, on the other hand, is the fun one.  She's the one with the jokes, the stories and the smiles.  She's the real me.  The one you can sit back and bullshit with for hours and not realize it's 2 am.  The one you call when you need a laugh.  The one that, frankly, doesn't give a shit what people think of her.

I want Everyday to be around more often.  Honestly, I'm getting a little sick of Professional, she's kinda pissing me off.  She won't relax, won't just let things be, has to constantly be in control of all the minute fucking details and worry about the end result because no one else is going to (which is probably bullshit, but she'll keep telling herself that her way is the best way and fuck the rest of them) and is going stroke out if she doesn't take 5 minutes to stop and smell the damn roses.  So to counteract how annoying Professional is getting.  I endulge Everyday a little too much.  Too many late nights lately, too much booze, just too much. 

I need more balance in my life.

I suck, I suck, I suck!

I've been wrapped in the wonderful world of "I hate my fucking life" lately.  It's not that things on the home front are bad.  It's fucking school!  Gawd! School!  If this wasn't my last semester, I would probably not make it out alive.  Note to anyone who thinks taking 21 credits is a great idea.... IT'S NOT!  Don't do it unless you want to be up way too late doing things that you really don't want to (and not the scandalous kind of things that end up with naked pictures of yourself on the internet) for too many people who can't get it together for themselves.  Unless that sounds like fun.  Then by all means, have at it!  And can I possibly pay you (in Blow Pops) to come and do it all for me?  That would be awesome!

Besides all of that insane nonsense.  I just agreed to a phenomenal vacation after school is over!  One full week, at the beach, in a sunny, warm state far from where I live.  SO AWESOME!  And I totally need it.  I guess that does put the job search on hold a bit seeing as how I can't ask for a week's vacation on my first day.  And as much as I need the job and the pretty money that comes with said job... I need a vacation SO much more!  My stress level is beyond high.  I may also plan a mini-vacation for the weekend after graduation.  Just for me and my little sis.  We'll see how finances go as it gets closer.

Anywhore, this post was kind of a bullshit post because I felt guilt for not writing in awhile.  I have so many topics to talk about but my time is very limited.  So... here's a few I've been pondering:

1) Chick friends and why they're so g-d'ed needy!
2) How shitty finding a job in the middle of nowhere is!
3) Reasons why I should not be allowed to go out to the bars on a weeknight!
and...
4) Ways to piss me off if I'm stuck in a group with you!

If any of those strike your fancy... let me know and I'll pick those first.

G'night world!

Hello? Rock Bottom? Is that you?

I've realized in the last few weeks, I've started 3 posts and left them to be finished another day.  One was about some school crap... one about friend annoyances... one about who-the-hell-knows what.  But my heart wasn't in them.

School has taken over my life.  I have so many courses with so many projects and so many, just, THINGS that I really don't know which way is up.  I had to actually buy a damn PLANNER just so I could keep it all straight.  This bitch usually ain't that organized!  It's madness, pure madness.  And probably the only thing that is keeping my mind off the other shit going down in my life. 

I've already posted about how much I hate being broke but... it's kind of getting overwhelming.  I know just about everyone is going through financial hell at this point and if you're not well... please send some extra cash my way because damn could I use it.  It's to the point that if I even think about my bank balance I get all anxious.  I had a little meltdown in my car the other day just thinking about my current financial status.  I can't even make it funny anymore.  It's just downright de-fucking-pressing.  I have no money.  No literally, as of the rent check clearing this morning, I had $5 in my account until my unemployment check got deposited.  I know how lucky I am to even GET unemployment but it's not a lot.  In fact, my car payment is already 4 days late and the only reason that I can even pay it this week is because my grandparents threw me a pity-party and loaned me some extra cash til next week.  And the game of Catch-Up just continues.  At least I don't have kids!  OMG, I don't know what I would do if I had to try and support someone besides myself.  Ok, that thought is just freaking me out so I have to stop.  Someone please hand me a paper bag to breathe into! 

Moving on... before I need to be commited...

I am praying that we have a snow day tomorrow and I don't have class.  I can't say that I was a huge fan of driving 35 mph aaalllll the way to school and aaalllll the way back home.  OMG it was ri-donk-ulous!!  I was putt-putting along a HIGHWAY at 30 mph and to try and stop getting "snow-hypnotized" I started thinking about my survival techniques if I were to get trapped in a snow bank.  So here's a fun list of things in my car at 5:00 pm today that would keep me alive.

• 3 blankets in my trunk (2 of which are covered in dead grass/leaves)
• 1 Sweet'nSalty Cashew snack bar
• 1 Cherry Blow Pop
• 1 green beach towel covered in dog fur
• 2 school books (1 with "listening cds")
• 2 lighters (in case I need to start a fire!)
• 3 cups (of assorted shapes and sizes... to collect snow to melt and drink)
• 1 black glove (besides the pair I was wearing)

I think I was fully prepared in case of emergency.  Not to mention that I had a fully charged CELL PHONE to call and have at least 1 of about 15 potential people to come rescue me, not including the police.  Plus, I was on a HIGHWAY... no more than a mile from a gas station, fast food restaurant, store or some sort of residence. 

I'm awesome.

I don't like it and you can't make me!

I hate snow.  Hate it.  A lot.  It's cold, it's wet, my dog takes forever to poop in it.  There are many, many things I can come up with that explain why I do not like snow.  Like, half the population doesn't know how to drive in it.  Like, you have to shovel it if you want to get out of your driveway.  Like, I have to brush it off my car and get it all over me because the wind blows it.  Like, sometimes when it snows a lot, my dog gets buried over her head.  (She's LITTLE)  Like, it takes 3 times as long to go out anywhere because of all the damn layers you put on so you don't get snow on your bare skin.... I could keep going.

What's almost as bad as the snow itself are the people who LIKE snow.  Don't fucking tell me that it's so pretty and it makes everything look so lovely and peaceful.  Yes, snow fucking sparkles... that's because it's FROZEN!  And granted, I love sparkly things as much as the next girl...but snow is not a sparkly thing that I love.  Snow is lovely. In pictures.  Not on my car, not on my shoes, not on my dog.  Some random dude said to me yesterday, "Oh, just go make a snow angel, you'll feel better."  I smiled and said, "I think not.  I haven't liked snow since probably the 5th grade."  What I wanted to say was, "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?  I don't like walking in the snow much less LAYING DOWN IN IT!"  Plus, I'm not 5.  Ri-donk-ulous.

I need to move.  No more snow for me.  This shit sucks.