Money can't buy Happiness..

..but I call BULLSHIT on that one.

Sure, money can't buy everything but it is a major part of living in this country. Money pays the rent, the car payment, the cell phone bill, the groceries, the pet food. Money puts gas in your car, clothes on your body, shoes on your feet, cable on your TV. Money basically makes a person capable of NOT living on the street. And without any money, you have no home, no car, no food, no anything. And sure, you have family, you have friends, you have love. But unfortunately (Beatles how I love you so), All you need is -NOT- love. You can't function in society without money. Therefore, you're not really all that happy.

I could live with very little, in fact, I've gotten used to living with fairly little. But after being unemployed for so long, the lack of money is making me super depressed. I can't think about money without either wanting to tear my hair out or break down and cry. It's hard. I'm a proud person, I don't want to NEED anyone to help me. It kills me to ask for help. I appreciate that when J (my boyfriend) got his job he said I didn't need to worry about as many bills because he would take care of it. And that's great, but it makes me feel a little like shit. I want to contribute, I need to contribute. Lately, after the big bills, I barely have enough money to function. I bought myself a pair of winter boots the other day because I sold my school books back and I had a few extra bucks. I needed winter boots, I live in the Midwest and we get a LOT of snow and it gets really COLD. I haven't had real boots in at least 3 years. So the purchase was not just a "wow, these are cute, I want them" purchase, it was a "wow, these are cute, on sale and will keep my feet warm and dry for once" purchase. And now this week, things are tight and I could really use that money. Desperately. Christmas was super stressful for me this year too. I work a temporary job in October (a Halloween event) and I normally use that check as fun money and Christmas present money. But this year, that money was necessity money and Pay the Rent money. Most Christmases, even though my family does a Secret Santa because there are so many of us, I try to get something little for everyone. This year I could barely get anything for just my parents. As much as I know Christmas isn't about the gifts, I LIKE buying gifts for people. This year I couldn't. I hate that I can never visit friends or do fun things with them like go to concerts and shows and movies and parties. It's not just the tickets or cover charges or things like that, it's the gas and the meals and the treats. I can't afford any of it. And writing all of this down is making me pretty depressed too. *sigh* Sucks, sucks, sucks. I need a job. But that's a whole 'nother depressing story.

<3