21 July 2011
27 June 2011
A story...
I met you at a concert. Totally random and incredibly by chance. Had we stood next to any other person and any other time, we'd never know each other. Had you not offered to let me hang with you and your boys and become part of the "circle", we'd never know each others' names. Was it supposed to happen? If I really believed in fate I'd say yes. How else do you explain two people meeting in a crowd of 40,000 and just... clicking? I didn't want to be a bother. You had your boys with you, but they were cool and let me (and my girl) tag along all night. We protected each other, the five of us. Lots of yelling "Heads up!!" and pushing and pulling and blocking and even that one time I almost got in a fight. You looked over at me after every song to make sure I was okay. You grabbed me when I almost fell. You knew I didn't need to be watched, but you did it anyway. I didn't tell you at the time, but I noticed and it was sweet. I even told you my real name, instead of the fake one I'd used about a dozen times already that day. We left each other awkwardly, with a promise to try and find each other the next day. In the back of my mind, I thought it would never happen. How do you find someone in such a huge crowd? But... it happened. I saw you in the parking lot. There was a chance you wouldn't be down in the pits again since your tickets were for seats instead. I didn't anticipate finding your boys again 3 hours later. One of them told me you said to tell me "Hi." I secretly grinned and tried to spot you in the crowd again. You ran up on us shortly after and I was relieved. We hung out all day and you even got a little jealous when I asked the very tall, large man for a piggy back and he gave me one. I teased you for it. You left early with your boys, I stayed behind with my girl to watch the rest of the shows. I'll admit by the time you left I was a little drunk and not thinking clearly. You asked if you'd ever see me again and sadly I responded, "Probably never." At the time, I was okay with that. We had a good time, a lot of laughs, a lot of bruises and a few beers. It was bittersweet. I took your phone and dialed my number... twice because I messed it up the first time. The call never went through so after you left I knew it was all in your hands. I didn't have any expectation of hearing from you. I got hurt in a pit after you left. Sliced me elbow open when I fell. You weren't there to catch me. My drive home was long and my head was filled with thoughts of all the crazy things that happened that weekend. I didn't hear from you. I wanted to. Three days went by and nothing... then four... then seven... and on day ten I got a text. "Did you guys make it home from the show okay?" I didn't recognize the number so I responded with, "Yep... but who is this?" I knew it was you. It had to be. Everyone else I know already knew I was back. We talked for awhile that night. I go to bed super early, you're up all night. For the next 3 weeks my sleep would suffer from talking until after 11 when I knew I had to be awake shortly after that. You don't like talking about yourself but you like to ask a lot of questions. I tried to weasel details out of you. It sort of worked. You mention you'll be deployed soon. You can't say exactly when and I don't think twice about it. Another few conversations and you mentioned it again. This time, my stomach drops a little. I'm worried. I don't like it. You say you won't talk about it until you absolutely have to. I thought about you a lot. I don't know exactly why, but I do. We quoted song lyrics and movies to each other and I teased you for spelling my name wrong. Then Saturday. I'm still not a fan of that Saturday. Our vibe had changed. You didn't say it, but somehow I knew that was it. You waited until very late at night, 20 minutes before you had to leave, to tell me that it was "the night we haven't been talking about." Immediately I teared up. It worries me when I know people going over to Iraq or Afghanistan. I told you I knew, that I felt it earlier in the day. You joked to lighten the mood but I'm already in a dark place. You said you'd call me as soon as you can, but it will be awhile before that happens. It won't be soon enough. I'll probably worry until the day you say you're coming back. The next day, I must have checked my phone a thousand times. I knew you wouldn't be sending me anything, but I hoped that the night before was just a cruel dream. My phone is eerily quiet now. My sleep schedule is back to normal. I don't like it.
I barely know you, but I miss you.
I barely know you, but I miss you.
11 January 2011
Gah! That's it!
For once in my life I have a New Year's Resolution that I fully intend to keep.
I'm done with all the negativity and fucking whining. (I'm going to say Fuck a lot.)
Done.
Over it.
I'm so sick and tired of all the people that I know who sit around and piss and moan about shit they CAN change.
"I'm so fat" -- Go to the gym, stop eating shit, get your ass off the g-d computer!
"I have nothing to do." (See also: I'm bored) -- Stop sitting at home and whining about it and GTFO. At least watch a fucking movie or something!
"I have no money." -- Well, get a job. I know it's hard, but you may have to settle. I don't always like my job but it pays the bills. It's not what I want to be doing and certainly not what I pictured but I'm over it. I have my car, my living space and enough money to feed myself so I guess getting hammered or buying that bag of drugs is just going to have to wait. (I'm kidding about the drugs.) Or... here's a thought. Don't post 10 fucking minutes later that you just bought some dumb item that you won't give a fuck about in 6 months. Then you'll have money dumbass.
I can't take it anymore. Stop airing your dramatic bullshit on Facebook and Twitter and wherever the fuck else you post it because I. Don't. Care. I don't. I'm not in the right headspace to give a fuck about your problems and I'm not about to smile and pretend like I want to know.
There has already been a decrease in my FB news feed because I've been hiding people. Don't have anything positive to say? *click* Guess who isn't looking at it anymore?! Me mother fuckers! You now have a smaller audience for your lame ass whining.
And who knows... by the end of 2011 I may piss off a lot of people. Oh. Well.
02 November 2010
Can you feel it?
Have you ever felt that moment when a relationship has changed? That one event, email or phone call that flipped a switch somewhere in how you approach the other person? Could you pinpoint exactly when it happened?
Right now, I can.
I could tell you down to the very text message when a friendship recently changed. When everything was fun and interesting then suddenly took a spiraling turn to awkward and empty.
Do you acknowledge it? Do you let things carry on naturally? Do you try to rewind and repair the damage?
Let me put this more clearly. I recently started talking to an acquaintance more often and we were trying to do the whole "let's know each other more" thing. It was all going well until he asked a question of me that I knew he wouldn't want the honest answer for. But I gave the honest answer. We're 'friends' in the most basic sense, anything more would not be possible. But he already knew that. And that's when the switch got flipped. What was up, now was going down. What was casual, now became oddly serious. The conversation came to an unusually abrupt end. I could feel the switch. I knew things were different. I didn't say it, but I knew it was there. Trying to save face, I emailed him saying that it was nice to talk and I would speak to him again in the future. The response I got was brief and cold. Nowhere close to the warm and engaging responses from earlier. Did I say something wrong? We agreed to the truth and the truth is what I always gave. I emailed back apologizing if something I said came across poorly. Sending emails or texts always leaves the connotation of a statement up for interpretation. Another cold and almost insulting response came to my inbox. I don't want to pour salt on the wound but leaving it so awkwardly makes me feel uncomfortable.
What do you do when it's suddenly different?
Right now, I can.
I could tell you down to the very text message when a friendship recently changed. When everything was fun and interesting then suddenly took a spiraling turn to awkward and empty.
Do you acknowledge it? Do you let things carry on naturally? Do you try to rewind and repair the damage?
Let me put this more clearly. I recently started talking to an acquaintance more often and we were trying to do the whole "let's know each other more" thing. It was all going well until he asked a question of me that I knew he wouldn't want the honest answer for. But I gave the honest answer. We're 'friends' in the most basic sense, anything more would not be possible. But he already knew that. And that's when the switch got flipped. What was up, now was going down. What was casual, now became oddly serious. The conversation came to an unusually abrupt end. I could feel the switch. I knew things were different. I didn't say it, but I knew it was there. Trying to save face, I emailed him saying that it was nice to talk and I would speak to him again in the future. The response I got was brief and cold. Nowhere close to the warm and engaging responses from earlier. Did I say something wrong? We agreed to the truth and the truth is what I always gave. I emailed back apologizing if something I said came across poorly. Sending emails or texts always leaves the connotation of a statement up for interpretation. Another cold and almost insulting response came to my inbox. I don't want to pour salt on the wound but leaving it so awkwardly makes me feel uncomfortable.
What do you do when it's suddenly different?
25 September 2010
Have Car, Will Travel
Warning: This post is not nice. I say fuck a lot. Just an FYI.
I moved a year ago. I moved about 150 miles from my family and friends. But from September of last year to this past May, I was still "near" my family 5 days a week due to finishing school in my old city. I know that's a crazy thing to do, but I couldn't afford to pay rent in 2 places AND drive back and forth to see my BF AND finish school in 2 semesters. So instead, I moved with my BF and drove up to school on Monday mornings (at the ass crack of dawn) and drove home Friday afternoons when I was finished with school. It was a lot of driving and even though I technically moved and all my stuff was in the new city.... I still felt like I hadn't really left yet.
All that changed when May rolled around. Once I graduated, I obviously spent a lot less time in my old city. I was up there a few times for birthdays or things I volunteered to help my alma mater with, so maybe 4-5 times a month. Still kind of a lot for someone who just moved far, far away. I still got to see my super awesome friends and my family pretty regularly and I think they all go used to it. It was fine with me because I really don't have any friends in my new city anyway.
Fast forward to now. I don't drive the 3+ hours up to my old city that often. Between July and today I think maybe I've been up 4-5 times total. Usually at least for an overnight visit. Here's the thing that is now currently pissing me off more than anything other thing (besides finding a "big kid" job).....
All the mother fucking, cock sucking, whiny ass little BITCHES who ask me almost on a daily fucking basis when I'm coming to visit. HERE'S A FUCKING CLUE - YOU can drive YOUR happy ass in YOUR own fucking car and waste YOUR own goddamn gas to come fucking see ME. The highway has a northbound and southbound side. I know, I've driven both sides many, many, MANY times and I could probably do it passed out in the trunk. Seeing as how I currently only have a measly part time job, I cannot afford to come and see you fuckers every other week because you miss me. We have a spare bedroom, we keep food in the house, we have extra parking..... you don't even have to rent a hotel... or feed yourself for that matter. Out of all these whiners, my family has only visited a handful of times and 1 friend stopped by on her way to and from visiting some of her family. 1 friend. What's everyone else's excuse? "Well, if you come up here you can see lots of people... if I come down there it's only you." FUCK THAT! So... I'm important enough to bitch and whine to about not seeing, but I'm not important enough for you to not be a lazy ass and drive down a weekend. Leave Friday night and go home Sunday afternoon. You won't miss work and neither will I. I need as much of my paycheck as I can finagle thank you very much. Now I can excuse the few of my friends who very much want to come visit me but cannot afford the gas money to get to the grocery store, let alone drive 100+ miles to get here. I understand that. I can leave them out of my rant for now. But everyone else. I'm giving you two big ol' middle fingers. You. Can. Suck. It.
I moved a year ago. I moved about 150 miles from my family and friends. But from September of last year to this past May, I was still "near" my family 5 days a week due to finishing school in my old city. I know that's a crazy thing to do, but I couldn't afford to pay rent in 2 places AND drive back and forth to see my BF AND finish school in 2 semesters. So instead, I moved with my BF and drove up to school on Monday mornings (at the ass crack of dawn) and drove home Friday afternoons when I was finished with school. It was a lot of driving and even though I technically moved and all my stuff was in the new city.... I still felt like I hadn't really left yet.
All that changed when May rolled around. Once I graduated, I obviously spent a lot less time in my old city. I was up there a few times for birthdays or things I volunteered to help my alma mater with, so maybe 4-5 times a month. Still kind of a lot for someone who just moved far, far away. I still got to see my super awesome friends and my family pretty regularly and I think they all go used to it. It was fine with me because I really don't have any friends in my new city anyway.
Fast forward to now. I don't drive the 3+ hours up to my old city that often. Between July and today I think maybe I've been up 4-5 times total. Usually at least for an overnight visit. Here's the thing that is now currently pissing me off more than anything other thing (besides finding a "big kid" job).....
All the mother fucking, cock sucking, whiny ass little BITCHES who ask me almost on a daily fucking basis when I'm coming to visit. HERE'S A FUCKING CLUE - YOU can drive YOUR happy ass in YOUR own fucking car and waste YOUR own goddamn gas to come fucking see ME. The highway has a northbound and southbound side. I know, I've driven both sides many, many, MANY times and I could probably do it passed out in the trunk. Seeing as how I currently only have a measly part time job, I cannot afford to come and see you fuckers every other week because you miss me. We have a spare bedroom, we keep food in the house, we have extra parking..... you don't even have to rent a hotel... or feed yourself for that matter. Out of all these whiners, my family has only visited a handful of times and 1 friend stopped by on her way to and from visiting some of her family. 1 friend. What's everyone else's excuse? "Well, if you come up here you can see lots of people... if I come down there it's only you." FUCK THAT! So... I'm important enough to bitch and whine to about not seeing, but I'm not important enough for you to not be a lazy ass and drive down a weekend. Leave Friday night and go home Sunday afternoon. You won't miss work and neither will I. I need as much of my paycheck as I can finagle thank you very much. Now I can excuse the few of my friends who very much want to come visit me but cannot afford the gas money to get to the grocery store, let alone drive 100+ miles to get here. I understand that. I can leave them out of my rant for now. But everyone else. I'm giving you two big ol' middle fingers. You. Can. Suck. It.
27 July 2010
Mother May I?
So, yesterday I hung out with a super good friend and her 6 yr old whom I adore to pieces. And it hit me.... the mommy mode.
I'm at the age I think where a girl generally starts to consider whether or not it's time for a kid. Now, I would in no way be financially ready for a kid right now (*cue the hyperventilating on costs*) but I think that in other ways I'm all for it. I worked my way up the life ladder.... I kept a plant alive, I kept 2 cats alive for the last 5 years, I got a dog....then another dog who are both healthy and happy... so I think that I can successfully not endanger a child's life, right? People let me babysit and there's no trauma involved. Not saying that raising a puppy is the same as raising a child but there's similar principles right? I've been around enough kids through friends and family and helping in day cares to know that there's potty training, feeding, discipline, sleep, etc... which is pretty darn close to getting a puppy not to drive you completely mental. I love kids... I can hang with them, read them stories, play make-believe, not freak out when they break stuff or get me dirty... and they tend to like me a good amount too.
Spending time with B yesterday and hearing "Auntie Squid" (it's what she calls me lol) about a million times and asking me for things and wanting to hold my hand or have me carry her or play dress up with my high heels and overall being just an awesome kid (kudos to my pal M for raising said awesome kid) made me happy and really kind of want that. I know that there's so much work and patience that goes along with raising a child... I've been made more than aware of that over the years... but I'm not getting any younger. I don't want to first become a mommie when I'm 30. I just don't.
I don't know, maybe I'm destined to another 5-10 yrs of just being "Mommie" to 4-legged creatures....
I'm at the age I think where a girl generally starts to consider whether or not it's time for a kid. Now, I would in no way be financially ready for a kid right now (*cue the hyperventilating on costs*) but I think that in other ways I'm all for it. I worked my way up the life ladder.... I kept a plant alive, I kept 2 cats alive for the last 5 years, I got a dog....then another dog who are both healthy and happy... so I think that I can successfully not endanger a child's life, right? People let me babysit and there's no trauma involved. Not saying that raising a puppy is the same as raising a child but there's similar principles right? I've been around enough kids through friends and family and helping in day cares to know that there's potty training, feeding, discipline, sleep, etc... which is pretty darn close to getting a puppy not to drive you completely mental. I love kids... I can hang with them, read them stories, play make-believe, not freak out when they break stuff or get me dirty... and they tend to like me a good amount too.
Spending time with B yesterday and hearing "Auntie Squid" (it's what she calls me lol) about a million times and asking me for things and wanting to hold my hand or have me carry her or play dress up with my high heels and overall being just an awesome kid (kudos to my pal M for raising said awesome kid) made me happy and really kind of want that. I know that there's so much work and patience that goes along with raising a child... I've been made more than aware of that over the years... but I'm not getting any younger. I don't want to first become a mommie when I'm 30. I just don't.
I don't know, maybe I'm destined to another 5-10 yrs of just being "Mommie" to 4-legged creatures....
22 July 2010
Getting Back to Me
It's been awhile...
I'd like to say I've been off doing something totally fun and spontaneous but, sadly, that's not even close to the truth.
I've been... well, a little down on myself. Graduating school was super exciting when it happened, but hasn't had many high points since then. Jobs are hard to find and as many resumes as I have out there, rejection comes faster than I can send more. A person can only hear "no thanks" so many times before they can't do anything but take it personally. I know that not many places are hiring, I know that if they are, I don't have the "requested experience", I know that I'm not the only one dealing with it.... but I feel like there's nothing I can do. And I hate being out of control.
All of that rejection from the corporate world has led me to nabbing a part-time job in order to pay the bills. Unemployment around here has been dealt a crappy hand and those of us still trying to find our way got cut off. Not saying that there aren't people taking advantage of the system, because there are. However, there are those of us who are actually trying to get work and can't. The bank account is getting very empty and my pride has a few wounds.
Not working and getting rejected made me a pretty lazy person. When there's nothing that is forcing me to get out of the house, I just sit around in sweats watching movies or tv or sitting online looking at shit I really don't care about because there's nothing else to do. I feel like a shell of me. On top of that, I don't really know anyone in the city I live in since I just moved here a year ago and it makes me super sad that none of my friends are around. When I get to see them I never want to leave. Was I stupid to move? Will I make new friends? I don't want new friends, I want MY friends. It's unfair, but I want them all to move down here so I can keep them! That's just the stupidest thought, but it would make me feel so much better.
But, now that I'm working (even though it's only part-time) I feel a little more productive. I feel like I have some sort of a reason to even bother showering. I hope I can turn this around and make the best of it. I don't really have much other option.
I'd like to say I've been off doing something totally fun and spontaneous but, sadly, that's not even close to the truth.
I've been... well, a little down on myself. Graduating school was super exciting when it happened, but hasn't had many high points since then. Jobs are hard to find and as many resumes as I have out there, rejection comes faster than I can send more. A person can only hear "no thanks" so many times before they can't do anything but take it personally. I know that not many places are hiring, I know that if they are, I don't have the "requested experience", I know that I'm not the only one dealing with it.... but I feel like there's nothing I can do. And I hate being out of control.
All of that rejection from the corporate world has led me to nabbing a part-time job in order to pay the bills. Unemployment around here has been dealt a crappy hand and those of us still trying to find our way got cut off. Not saying that there aren't people taking advantage of the system, because there are. However, there are those of us who are actually trying to get work and can't. The bank account is getting very empty and my pride has a few wounds.
Not working and getting rejected made me a pretty lazy person. When there's nothing that is forcing me to get out of the house, I just sit around in sweats watching movies or tv or sitting online looking at shit I really don't care about because there's nothing else to do. I feel like a shell of me. On top of that, I don't really know anyone in the city I live in since I just moved here a year ago and it makes me super sad that none of my friends are around. When I get to see them I never want to leave. Was I stupid to move? Will I make new friends? I don't want new friends, I want MY friends. It's unfair, but I want them all to move down here so I can keep them! That's just the stupidest thought, but it would make me feel so much better.
But, now that I'm working (even though it's only part-time) I feel a little more productive. I feel like I have some sort of a reason to even bother showering. I hope I can turn this around and make the best of it. I don't really have much other option.
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